S3E2: Finding A New Beat Beyond Alcohol with Brad Ton

In this episode of Purpose Project, host Leslie Pagel sits down with Brad Ton to explore what it means to live in alignment with one's true self. Brad courageously shares his journey of overcoming alcoholism, addressing debilitating anxiety, and discovering his life's purpose. He emphasizes the importance of self-love, setting healthy boundaries, and being present in the moment. Brad also discusses the significant role of community support and spirituality in his recovery. At the end of the episode, Brad offers a special gift for listeners. This heartfelt conversation is a testament to the power of vulnerability and transformation.

00:00 Introduction to Purpose Project Season 3

00:46 Welcoming Brad Ton

02:15 Brad's Journey to Sobriety

04:40 The Gift of Desperation

08:41 Practicing Presence and Letting Go

12:31 Morning Routines and Mindset

21:18 Impact on Relationships

23:14 Navigating Relationships and Boundaries

24:42 Losing Friendships and Finding Clarity

26:17 The Importance of Community in Recovery

32:29 Embracing Vulnerability and Authenticity

39:37 The Power of Belief and Presence

46:43 Freestyle and Final Thoughts

You can follow Brad on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/bradton/

Purpose Project is a research study on the topic of life's purpose. You can follow along in the making of Purpose Project:
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Transcript

Leslie: 0:06

Welcome back to Purpose Project. I am your host, Leslie Pagel, and this season we are exploring what it means to live the beat of our own drum. In today's episode, I sit down with Brad Ton, who shares how addressing alcoholism became the turning point in his life that allowed him to live in alignment with who he is and discover his purpose. Brad's story is honest, it's vulnerable, and it's deeply human. And you'll wanna listen all the way through because at the end, Brad shares a little gift for you. Let's get started.

0:46

Welcome Brad Ton to season three of Purpose Project. I'm so excited you're here and we're digging into the topic of living life to the beat of our own drum. Thank you so much for having me. Congrats on season three. That is awesome. Thank you. Thank you very much. It has been a journey and each season builds on itself. And this season is really, an outcome of season one where I learned that to live a life of purpose, we have to be in this alignment between who we are, how we show up in the world, and the difference that we wanna make. And season three is really about understanding that alignment between who we are and our actions and how we show up. Because I believe that sometimes we let social norms keep us back Yes. And hold us back from our actions. And so I really wanna talk to people like you who are pushing up against some social norms. Yeah, I'm 41 years old and I say I'm starting to just now figure all that out, you know? Really. Yeah. It's a journey. Mm-hmm. It's a journey. And for me, I finally got to a point where I just felt free to be me and let go. Yeah. Let go. I was used to really wanting to control everything. Okay. So a big part of it for me has been just releasing that Yes. Expectations on things Okay. That I don't control. So that's all, been all part of it for me. So how did you get to that? Take us through your journey. Sure. My journey, a huge part of my journey has been that of recovery. Okay. So I first got sober in 2017. Okay. From alcohol and it was a huge transformational time period for me. Mm-hmm. Where. I went downhill fast. Long story short, with all that, somewhere in my early to mid thirties, I developed really debilitating anxiety. Okay. I started getting super anxious all the time. I had a newborn. I had a a marriage that wasn't really what I set out to have. And along the way, I discovered that alcohol made me feel better. And this is in 2017? Yeah. 2017 is really when I hit that first sense of bottom. Okay. I would say where I realized that I really had a problem. And my journey has been not a linear one right. With it. But part of that getting sober the first time back in 2017 through COVID and all of that was really. Turning my life around to a point where I was starting to become who I wanted to be. Okay. Starting to become the fog was being lifted. Right? Right. Was the anxiety being lifted with this or the anxiety subsided? Somewhat. But as I look back on all of that, I was still trying to navigate life in a way that I presented myself as who I thought you wanted me to be. Uhhuh. Yeah. And that's been part of my whole self discovery. But through that sober time period for me, I was able to start to take life as something that I could engage with at, to really go out and be who I thought I wanted to be. And I found my now wife through all of that. I got divorced from my first wife through, through sobriety and got married to my second wife through all of that, because I was the best version of myself that I knew how to be at that time. But what I realized, and we can get further into it at any point, what I realize now because I had a relapse period while married to my now wife and I'm sober now over a year and a half. Okay. So we're talking early 20, 24 when everything flipped for me. In early 2024, it was, for me, it was the gift of desperation. I always thought that making myself small, putting on a mast to be the person you wanted me to be. Not causing a fuss. Mm-hmm. I always thought that was humility. I always thought that was being small. What I realized though, was I was rooted in self-centered fear. Okay. It was all fear. What is, what do you mean by self-centered fear? So what I mean by self-centered fear is I was the center of my own universe. So if I were to be in any situation, it was, what are you gonna think of me? What am I going to get out of this? Are you gonna take what I have? Are you gonna find out I'm not who I Me. Right. Me, me, me. Right. So I think there's a misconception of self-centeredness means I have an ego, I'm better than you. Right, right, right. But for me, that was not the case. It was all self-centered. From a fear standpoint. What were you scared of though? I don't think I, I don't think I knew who I was. Okay. I don't think I. Took the time to truly love myself. Okay. Because I'd spent years and years trying to be someone else else, whoever who you were with wanted to be. Yeah. Yeah. And as I look back that, that desperation of, okay, I gotta let go because the fact of the matter is in life I have control over very little. Very little. The least of which is other people. Right. We have no control over other people. Right, right. None. So why am I going around worried, worry, changing, play placating to other people in an attempt for validation. Mm-hmm. In an attempt for genuine, intimate relationships. If I'm not, if I'm not letting go of those expectations and just being me. Right. Did you have a sense. Of who you were though. Yeah, I think yes. I, it was in there. Mm-hmm. I think I was afraid to let it out. Because once I'm truly me, what if you don't like me then? That's where I was. That's the self-centered fear. That's the fear. Yeah. So if I put on a mask and seek validation, maybe it won't hurt as much. You don't like the mask. Yeah. That's still not me. So I'll try another angle over here of who I am. Right, right. Vulnerability. Yeah. I, I had a false sense of what being vulnerable was. Like I would let you get close, but not too close. Not, I'm still gonna hang on. Yeah. Like, don't. I'm not gonna open up that way because. There's a, I spent a lot of time in therapy and all that to uncover all of that. But it's like, if I let you see who I really, really am, what if, what if you don't like it? But again, that's the self-centeredness. Mm-hmm. Right. For me. Mm-hmm. And it took desperation. I don't know. Like I'm, I am, I'm a very spiritual person. I believe in, in, in God. So for me personally, for Brad, it was, I gotta give this stuff to God. I gotta, so you let go of it to God, let go of it to God. Right. Okay. Because it's been, I, I, I spent my 40th birthday in a rehab facility. Okay. So that was like, what, what, what am I doing? The, I've been driving this ship, I've been conducting this orchestra of my life for 40 years. Why not let God conduct it? So for me, that was taking the focus off myself for my own life. And when I talk about that, I've had conversations with people and that doesn't mean I don't set goals, that doesn't mean I don't aspire to be better, right? It doesn't mean I'm not gritty. But what it means is I'm not attached to the outcomes of things I don't control. Right? I'm not seeking the validation of an outcome. I'm hearing this and I'm thinking before you were attached, you were scared and then now you've let go. But how do you do that? It,'cause I don't imagine it's a flip of a switch. No, it's not. It's not it for me, it's a daily intention. It's progress. Not perfect. I am a recovering perfectionist as well. I'm a people pleaser. Mm-hmm. And that comes from, I mean, it comes from a lot, but it comes from a genuine sense of I love connection. I'm very empathetic. Mm-hmm. You know, I can I walk into a room as an empath. I can feel the energy. Yeah. You know? So and has that always been the case? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And before I knew how to harness that before I really knew what that was like, I would just take on the energy, the emotion, the energy of other people. And make it my responsibility. Which is leads to anxiety. Okay. The stress leads to exhaustion at leads to so many things. But no, it's not a switch to be flipped. For me, it's a beautiful, it's a beautiful, beautiful journey to have that intention every day of letting go. Like, what does that mean? What does, what does letting go mean? It's, it's like a reminder every day. It's, it's simple. It's it's being in traffic. Yeah. I don't have control over this other car that just cut me off. Right? Mm-hmm. We have six kids at home. There's a lot I don't have control over there, right? Oh my gosh. There's a lot. I don't have control of there, and I, I still catch myself. Look, I still have bad moments, right? Mm-hmm. And for me, if I ever catch myself at a bad moment of frustration or even anger, it's because I had in my mind, expectations on how something was gonna go and something outside of my control changed that. Yeah. Right. Which is every moment of the day for me. Exactly right. Every moment of the day, I'll be like, okay, it's I get off work at, 5, 5 30. We're gonna have dinner about six 30. So between that hour I can fold this load of laundry. I'm gonna empty the dishwasher and I'm gonna take the dog out. Right? Boom, boom, boom. Brad's gonna get it done. Right? And I get like halfway through the first thing, and you know. Something else. Someone's knocked somebody over in the house and I'm tending to a wound or whatever, you know, I need my wife for a lot of that. But like now, not every time, but now I smile at that, that's the practice. Yeah. It's muscle memory. If I want bigger biceps, I gotta go work out in the gym. Yeah. If I want to be more present, that's the key is presence. If I wanna be more present, if I wanna let go of things I don't control, I gotta practice it. Yeah. And you start to notice it, right? Give, gimme an example. Yeah. Work work's a great one. Yeah. I'm in sales, right? I have my agenda on how I want things to go, you know, all the time or, I, I put my best foot forward and maybe it's not receivable by, mm-hmm. By superiors or another company, whatever, right? Yeah. Um, we put ourselves out there on LinkedIn, right? Yeah. I don't have any control over how that is. Yeah. Received and things still, I'm a, I, my wife will I'm a sensitive dude. Alright. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. That's just, that is who I am. For better or worse things still hurt me. Like the silliest things hurt me. Yeah. The silliest comments. But it's, it's pausing. It's recognizing that people don't do things to me. They do them for themselves. Right. Yeah. It's like the two by four rule. Right. They do them. They don't do'em to me. They do'em for themselves. I'm not that important. Nobody, Leslie didn't wake up today to get under Brad's skin. Right. Like it's, we're just being, everyone's on their own journey. Mm-hmm. It sounds a lot like mindset. Yeah. And being really conscious of what's going on in your mind and. And flipping it, I guess. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Is that, does it feel like that to you? For sure. For sure. It's all mindset. I could, so I wake, I have a very regimented morning routine. Okay. Which again, is silly with young kids. Right. We, that's sometimes when do you get your only time? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. That's my wife and I wake up, she wakes up earlier than me'cause she's, uh, crazy. But call it 5:00 AM Right? Because the littlest one's gonna get up at 5 45 6:00 AM right? Mm-hmm. So it's like my time. So I've learned, again, this is just like learning what works for me. That quiet time. I have to have it. Yeah. I have to, I'm not doing like intense yoga or I do do some meditation. Mm-hmm. That's been big for me. I may journal a little bit, but it's just breathing. Yeah. It's just sitting, it's being I talk to God a lot. I ask. God for presence. I just ask for these things. Give, gimme presence today. Let me be like, so what are my, what are Brad's things that he needs to look out for? Don't seek validation from outside sources help me to not seek validation from others. I ask for these things. Yeah. When I don't, and I, I get a workout in, right? So when I don't, my wife will be the first to tell you it could be halfway through the day and she hasn't seen me all day, and she'll two minutes and she'll be like, you didn't do your morning stuff, did you? You can just really, oh, yeah, yeah. I'm not my best self without it because I'm constantly thinking of, oh, and is this new since your recovery? Yeah. Yeah. There were periods where I would do these things, but they always felt like a chore before. Okay. They always felt like a chore, like a checklist, which is why I couldn't maintain it. Mm-hmm. I always. Oh, I gotta do that. I gotta do it. Yeah. It felt like a chore. Like now how does it feel now? It feels like I can't wait to do it. Yeah.'cause I know what it means for me, and I know what it means for the people around me. Like, and you mentioned that you're asking for specific things. Is was that a part of your recovery too? Yeah. Yeah. I think I find those things out as I go and they can change. Okay. They can change. They can change if I find myself being short with people or if I have a certain situation coming up later that I'm starting to feel anxious about. A lot of it's general though, because I mean, I am who I am at this point for all. I mean, we're always growing and evolving, but like I, I know what sets Brad off. Like, I, I know when I start to feel anxious or upset or frustrated or all those things, and I, I really know what doesn't. So for me it's, I, I just, I think the key to life for me, is learning how to be present. Mm-hmm. It's learning how to be present. Like, so we talk a lot about purpose uhhuh, what's my life's purpose? Yeah. And I think there's, I think there's an overarching deep rooted sense of purpose. What's my long term? I'm a father, I'm a husband. Mm-hmm. I want leave a legacy. But my purpose right now today is talking to you right now. That's my purpose. Yeah. I'm here. So presence is connected to purpose. Yes. My purpose is to be present in every moment. Yes. Yeah. Yes. That is, that's where the magic sauce is. It really. It's, it took me, how did you discover this? So I'm a, again I'm a huge warrior. I stress anxious, um, which led to searching for things that would calm it. That would what I realized, I, I would use alcohol to numb anxiety. I remember the first time I realized that that worked. Mm-hmm. It's like, wow, that's amazing. I feel great. I can be who I can be anybody. And it worked until it didn't. Um, because what I found out quickly is you can't choose which emotions to numb. So like I can numb anxiety, but I'm also numbing joy. Mm-hmm. I'm numbing presence. I'm numbing anything. Right. So, and. You do that long enough and it makes all of your symptoms exponentially worse. Exponentially worse. So, I've worked a lot on presence. Initially, it's to stop thinking about, stop worrying about the future and stop regretting the past, just be here. I needed permission to do that, which might sound strange, but like, I felt like I, I had to worry. I had to prepare for future events. Uhhuh. I had to worry about them so that I was more prepared when they came. Yeah. Which is so counterproductive. So the situation I was super worried and stressed about. First of all, it's never as bad as I made it out to be ever. Two, I'm so exhausted by the time I get there for worrying about it. You know. But I still do this today, my boss. So I'm introverted at heart. I really Are you? Oh, yeah. Ab I need to recharge. In solitude. Okay. Right. I, I do, I love being around people. I feed off the energy. Mm-hmm. But then like at the end of the day, I'm zonked. Yeah. I'm zonked but I, I feed off that. And, and I'm a worrier. So now I over prepare. I used to, I was so anxious and like I would just survive off instinct. Okay? So, in life, okay, like the temperature of the water, I'll figure it out after I jump in, right? We'll just figure it out. And to me, that's how I survived Uhhuh, because other, like pre preparation would scare me. Okay? Because what if I do all this. And I'm still not where I want to be. I don't, I don't know. Right, right. And I, I tell my boss, so I over prepare now, but I tell my boss, like, when, if I'm getting on, an in person or a Zoom or whatever, that 30 seconds before the other person comes on, I could throw up. Really? Oh yeah. Every time. And then once it starts, I'm fine every time. And that's just how I'm wired. Yeah. Well, what are you saying to yourself? I just breathe. Yeah. I just breathe. I I kind of chuckle. Mm-hmm. For me, it's, for me, it's like more of a signal that I care. Okay. You know? Yeah. It's not a, it's not a, oh gosh, I hope this goes away. Oh gosh. You know? Okay. But that that tickle in the tummy is still there. I'm still like, for me, it's like I just smile. Is it a fear? I think if I let it spiral, it would become fear. Fear, like, it could be like, oh my gosh, what? Like, should I be worried? You know? Right. Uhhuh now I'm used to it, so like I expect it. And it's help, it's helpful to just have positive self talk mm-hmm. And all of that. Um, so being present ha has been everything. Like I find myself now, I'm like with my kids. Phone's in the other room. Most of the time I'm not perfect at it. Yeah. I love checking LinkedIn. But I'm like there and like I find myself soaking it in Uhhuh. Soaking it in. Soaking it in, and soaking it in, which feels so good. Yeah. It feels so. I'm not worried about the next thing. Yeah. What I also do though, is take time to look at, so like we we're talking right now on a Sunday, right? So like Sunday scaries they call sometimes and prepare for a Monday I'll spend 15. Minutes. Maybe more if I have intense meetings next week, but like 15 minutes some point and just sit and just look at my calendar. This is your time to think about it, to see what's up. All right, you're good. Let it go. Yeah. To the side. Those are some of the things that helped me. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and the thing I like about that is you're allowing for that scary to exist and not that it's, really scary, but the Sunday scary thing. Yeah. You're letting it exist, but not take over your day. Right, right. You're controlling it instead of it controlling you for the most part. Yeah, for the most part. Yeah. Again, it's all progress. Like, and, and I think what's really cool too is I start to notice improvements in myself now, so like practicing presence, it just snowballs, so I'm like, wow. I, I just got better at that than I did last week. Like, I noticed those things. Nice. Right. Which is, it's really cool. So what are some practices and presence? Yeah. I, for me it's medi. I love meditation. Okay. 10 minutes in the morning. Mm-hmm. I'm a goober. I use apps. Okay. Like insight timer or Calm or whatever, and I just sit and breathe and follow my breath. It's just practice. To me, that's like doing a kernel. For, for muscle. Just, just breathe. I love, I, I work from home. I'll go for a walk. Okay. During the day between meetings, at least until we hit snowfall and all that. Then I'll have to go to the, get on the treadmill probably, but just step away, breathe, take things in chunks. And it's just, yeah. That morning routine is every. Is it okay? Yeah. I feel like if I don't do that for whatever reason, i'll be chasing it all day and like I'll get agitated and I'm like, I'm not with it. Yeah. I'm not with it. Can we talk about the relationships in your life Yeah. During this journey? Yeah. Because I'm curious before when you were an addict, there was a personality to you and then now it's a change. And does that impact your relationships and how? Yes. Uh, my wife and I were actually talking about this the other day. Because what's interesting for an addict and a person in recovery is that in active addiction, I if someone close to me had a boundary I mean, I was constantly. Running over their boundaries. Okay. I was pretending they didn't exist. Trust how I acted, take advantage, manipulation, all of those things. And now what I had to do, what I continued to do as a person in recovery, is with those same people whose boundaries I exploited, I set my own with them. Right? So you have this really interesting dynamic with people in your life. So I'm really talking about like people close to you, like family or close friendships and all of that, right? If these people are gonna, they were in your life before and now they're still in your life, I have to now set healthy boundaries for them because I need to move through the past, right? Right. I need to own my mistakes, but I also can't live there. I can't live there. Mm-hmm. So that's a hard boundary for me. What do you mean can't live there? So you can't be in my life if you're gonna hold that over my head. Okay. In any way, shape, or form. Yeah. And that's a healthy boundary for me. And that's, at first it's not difficult for me anymore, but at first it is because I feel like I want to apologize to everybody I feel like I wanna make. Right. I feel like I want your relationship back, right? I want you in my life, I'll do anything, right? Mm-hmm. And what I end up finding, what you can end up finding is there are some people who will truly appreciate that and move through it with you and see you getting healthier and set regular adult boundaries, right? And wanna support that and all that. And then there are people who, the version of you that they know is the. Right. Right. And you changing that version of you that they know is, doesn't fit for them. Right. This is what I was wondering. This, right. So yes, that is very difficult. That is very, very difficult. We teach people how to treat us, right? So if I am, if I'm not someone who holds myself accountable, if I, if you can see that I don't respect myself mm-hmm. That I don't love myself, that I don't take care of myself and all that I'm consciously or subconsciously giving you permission to walk all over me. Really? Yeah. And people do that whether they intentionally or not, right? As, as I've set healthy boundaries, as I've walked into this person that I feel like I was created to be healthier serving it's for the most part allowed people to now respect new boundaries, right? Mm-hmm. And, and treat me in a positive way. Yeah. Yeah. Did you lose relationships? Yeah. Yeah. Friendships. Friendships for sure. I mean, I, most of my friendships were drinking buddies. Okay. Right. Like, so like I'm an alcoholic, right? So if you didn't drink like me mm-hmm. Then we didn't hang out. Yeah. Because you don't understand me. We can't I don't need you making me, like, you're certainly not gonna sit here and judge me, so I'm gonna go find people that drink like me. And live their life like me, so I can feel comfortable. Yeah. So I can get validated so I don't have to think about Right. My mistakes Yeah. Or my transgressions. So, those relationships, a lot of them have just naturally dissipated. Yeah. I do have, I do. How does that feel? Was it okay to you or, yeah. It really was Okay. Yeah. It really was. Okay. Because I don't have any animosity towards those people. I don't have any judgment. I mean, I was there if they want help in their own Right. Any of that. I'm, I'm an open book. I, I feel like I, I have my best foot forward in those situations, who we surround ourselves with is so important. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm asking'cause going back to how we let social norm. Keep us back. And this norm of our friendship, the people that we surround ourselves with, and then the fear of losing that and, feeling alone, like, oh, I don't have friends anymore. Does that keep us from getting sober and things like that. You know, it can No you're absolutely right. That's all part of the fear. We don't know what we don't know. So when I, that, when I went to rehab in 2024, I had never done that before. Right. I had never really fully committed. It was 28 days away from my family. Yeah. No contact with the outside world, where I'm like every single day is getting into what, what's inside of you? Like what, what are these things? How can we unpack them? One of the things I learned is how critical it is to have community of people. So, the other thing that came to mind for me as we were preparing for this and having this conversation is the social norms is I'm surrounded by people in my life who are not alcoholics. Right. They're not addicts. Yeah. They love me unconditional. They care about me. They want to help. But there's only so much they can do because I, so I used to think that I needed to get sober so that I could live my life like someone who wasn't an alcoholic. So I need to get it right over here. It's gonna be a part of my life. Right. I'll have. I'll have Brad getting sober over here. My whole family, my close friends who are non alcoholics over here, like Brad will be getting right over here. And then when I show up when I'm in your life, like I'm an, I'm you, I'm one of you. Then it's so funny to me now'cause I didn't know what I didn't know. I'm not wired that way. I'm not wired that way. So there's only so much help. And I love my wife for so many reasons. She had every reason to walk out of our marriage. Every reason to I lied, I manipulated, I mean it so much. And she chose to seek to understand. She chose to truly understand that alcoholism is a disease. And she chose to understand that. She couldn't ever fully understand how my brain. Works.'Cause she would see this sensitive, empathetic, loving great father. Like this man she married who was so great in so many areas of his life, but like he couldn't stop drinking. Yeah. When he saw right in front of him that his world was burning. Yeah. Why? Yeah. Why is that? So the social norms and breaking through that for me was understanding that I'm surrounded by people who, again, love me, who care, who are giving me this advice. Like, I was running my head into a brick wall for 30 plus years, wondering why I could, why I kept failing. Taking the advice and the love and the compassion of non alcoholics. The minute I engulfed myself into a community of people who could fully understand the way my, everything changed. Everything changed. Wow. Because for me. So that would, that is a switch that flipped. Yeah. For me is no this thing I was trying to do over here, this is the focal point of my existence. This is the focal point of who I am. I have to make this the center so that I can be the person I was, create so I can be the best father, so I can be the best husband. So I can I, I would've, and this is the greatest gift I've ever received. It, it's a gift to be, for me, it's a gift to be an alcoholic. Mm-hmm. Because I would've gone through life with a mediocre existence. Yeah. I just would've, I just would've, I hate to say it, like I just would've there've been highs, there've been lows. I was dealing with hip hop music, I was chasing stuff, but it was all self-centered stuff. But I would've gone through life like this. Like I settled in my first marriage. I wasn't really engaged with like now. I have two choices every day. I have two choices. One is to be the absolute best version of myself that I can be or lose everything. Mm-hmm. There's no opportunity. And that's all I need.'Cause I know which one I'm choosing every day. I don't know if that I probably went off on a tangent. No, your question, but like, when we talk about social norms, my social norms were people that were never gonna understand the way I Exactly. The way. Yeah. And you said that when you went into the facility or the therapy Yeah. That, that helped because you had this community of people that were like you, or at least a similarity there, right? Yes. Yes. So what is going through my head is just thinking about whoever's listening to this and then finding their. Where is your tribe for the way that you wanna show up in the world, and how can you find them and support them and them support you so it doesn't feel like you're pushing up against social norms. It is the norm in your group. You're a hundred percent right. It is it, and you know what, like for, again, for anybody listening to this, and I, I speak from my own experience you're, you're not, I don't wanna sound like a Hallmark commercial, but you're not alone with what you're feeling, what you're going through. What I guarantee you that there are people out there that truly understand that have been there. It's a huge part of my purpose now Okay. Is to just talk to people in recovery or struggling with anything. One of the. Biggest, biggest benefits and blessings in my life. I started getting active on LinkedIn like four or five months ago, Uhhuh. And I talk about recovery on there a lot. And one of the biggest blessings for me in my life is the messages I get. People that never like or comment, but they see Yeah. And they're sent, they're sending you messages, they themselves are struggling or have struggled. Their family members of someone who has struggled or is struggling asking me, and what I wanted to mention with all that, first of all, it's been a huge blessing for me, but there is nothing you've done or nothing you're going through that, that people haven't that someone like me hasn't heard. Don't be afraid to share your story. Don't be afraid to find your tribe. Don't be afraid to start living your life. Yeah, I was, and, and I know how difficult that fear could be. Mm-hmm. I really do Well, and it's one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on the show because I was following you on LinkedIn and just watching how you were showing up. And you are very vulnerable and you're very honest. And you're very real. And I think that a lot of people are really attracted to that. We just want people to keep it real. You, you, yes. You know what, I keep saying I'm a broken record now, but what I keep telling people in sales a lot, but in life, right? The bar's never been lower for connection. Yeah. The bar has never been lower to have real genuine connection because we are inundated. Like, look, I use AI all day, every day, right? For work for Uhhuh tells me how to fix things around my house, right? All the time. But when it's time to show up, just show up. Just be, you just have con like the bar's never been lower. Yeah.'cause people are so hungry. I will speak my, from my own personal experience here. Yeah. That is a social norm that is really hard to push up against. There are so many things, especially with Purpose Project that I just want to share. And there are some times I'm like, I can't put that out there. Why, why can't I? I do think while we say just keep it real, you keep it real, it makes it sound like it's easier than it really is. And I don't know why, why is it so hard? I, it, it, it, it can be hard. I, I can speak for me personally I stopped trying to be cool a while back, as silly as that sounds. But like I, I, I got the stick figure family on the back of the car, I'm dropping off at, at practice, you know, I'm doing all the things. I got the diaper bag, I got, it, it, I don't need to be cool anymore. But I've, you know what though? What the real answer for me is, is I've seen and felt and, and experienced the impact of other people Okay. Being real. Yeah. And what that has meant to me, that for me has been the push, the shove. The shove. And I truly believe that I have experience and things to say that could help at least one person. And I know what it's been like for me to be helped. Yeah. And it also makes me, it, it, I don't know. Like I think that's what we're here for. Mm-hmm. And everybody's voice. Yeah. Like yeah. And, and, and experience and, in in some ways, for me, it is a way of holding myself responsible if I put this out in the world, I'm gonna hold myself more responsible for it then if I just keep it to myself. It makes it real. Now people are gonna somebody's gonna ask me about that later, or Uhhuh it's gonna be associated with me. I started rapping on LinkedIn and now that's what people associate with me. I love it. And it's so funny. And that's totally cool. Like, I get a kick out of it, right? But you get that by putting yourself out there. What's key and for me is and this is difficult. This is difficult. Like I have to have a true sense of self. Like who, who am I? Who am I? Okay. The reason I say that is whatever happens out there in the stratosphere, right? Mm-hmm. When I do put myself out there, whatever happens, doesn't change who I am. Right? That's a good point. Yeah. So, I have an 11-year-old son, right? Jordan named after Michael Jordan. A little obsession there as a kid for me. But anyway he's so good. He loves basketball, right? He loves it, and he's so good. But he's like his dad. He's a, he's a perfectionist. Mm-hmm. Right? And he lives and dies with how his game goes, or one single shot or whatever, right? And I find myself this just, it's a silly example, but I love you no matter what. I don't love you because you're good at basketball. Jordan, I talked to him like Jordan Ton is a wonderful person regardless of what happens in his basketball game. Right. You are not the outcome of your game. That is not who you are. Yes. But that's very difficult. It is difficult. That's very difficult. Like I, the individual in the roles I play mm-hmm. In life aren't who I am. They're parts of me. But that's, I think that's why it gets so difficult to put yourself out there. Yeah. And you mentioned earlier that you're really sensitive. Yeah. So what's going through my head is, okay, you're putting yourself out there, you're also really sensitive. How have you learned to deal with any negative criticism or, opinions and all of that without it getting to you? It used to get to me it used to get to me. I when I was doing hip hop music for eight or nine years, the first couple albums I put out, I was really proud of. But if it ever got, like, got a couple bad reviews or, that would, like, I could get 10, 10, 20, 30 really good reviews. And if I got a bad one, I would just sit there and stare at it. And just read it. Yeah. And like, this person's right. That's so right. Like, oh gosh. Just because I every, I mean, not everyone, but most people do that too, right? Oh, yeah. Like from a bo you ever do like an end of year review with your boss, right? They're like, you are awesome in these nine areas. Here's one thing I want you to work on. I'll be like, what? What? You know, you may not work on something. I'm not perfect. So like, how do I move through that? I don't know. Like, I've, I've gotten better. Like I'm older now. I'm, I've been through it. I understand that everyone's on their own journey. We're all just deep down every human being wants to be loved and accepted. Yeah. Full stop. Yeah. Right. And we all have a different journey. And I, I can look around. I practice gratitude. That's a huge part of it. Practice gratitude. Somebody told me one time, and I wish I could give credit to who it was, but I can't remember, but I picked it up. Anytime I touch a doorknob, I think of something I'm grateful for. Really? Yeah. That's like my cue. Nice. Just'cause it touched a lot of doorknobs, and maybe not during COVID, but like, yeah. Yeah. But that helps. Yeah, it really does. It like, look at all I'm grateful for yes. But it's just, it's a practice. It's a practice. Yeah. If somebody said, are you, are you good? Better at it now? Yeah. Like detaching from the Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I'm better at it. Not perfect. Mm-hmm. But better. Yeah. I mean, it's like, look around. Like look I feel blessed. Like the road that I've experienced, I, like I said, I'm so grateful for now, I never want to experience it again. But the journey has you know, the regular everyday stressors that we all have money, right? Family health, health is really important. But those, those are big deals, but you know, work related stress or schedules or whatever I just find myself pausing, being like, look what you've gotten through, right? Look what you've been through. Look what you, mm-hmm. And I use that same mindset for if there are things upcoming in my life that I'm worried about, it's like, dude, you've gotten through all this. Look what you have gotten through. And you're still here. You're batting a thousand. Gotten through every single day at this point. Yeah. You're gonna get through this one too. Can we talk a little bit about your beliefs please? Yeah. Earlier you mentioned your spirit your spiritual, yeah. But what are some of your beliefs that that are rooted in how you show up in this world? Are there certain beliefs that are just fundamental for you? Yeah. I love that question. Thank you for asking it. I, I believe that everyone, every person belongs, I believe that everyone is worthy of love. That's a big one for me. I believe that I am not in control of very much. I do believe that God has a plan for my life that is greater than anything I could ever figure out or plan on my own. Mm-hmm. And I, I just have this, this deep rooted faith that the journey the journey is where the joy is. I, I'll catch myself thinking about finite things. If I just gain this much muscle, if I just, lose this much weight, if I just make this many sales. If I just this, if I just that, and then we get to those and then we set the next one. Yeah. Goals are fine. They're, but I believe in infinite. I believe in. The journey is where the joy is, the presence, the experience, the like a again I just keeps getting back to that. I don't know if I can really articulate that well. But that is where I, that is what I believe. I yeah. I don't know. Yeah. That's a great question. And I hear through your beliefs, that is how you're showing up. You are just acting out your beliefs in a lot of ways. You're focusing on being present. You are focusing on love and all of those things. So it is and again, going back to where we started this podcast season is all about understanding our beliefs in a way and how they are connected to how we're living our lives. Yes. Yeah. I, I. As you were talking, I'm like I believe that I can learn from any situation, any person at any time. Mm-hmm. Which is, that's such a cool thing. That is it is, it's just a cool thing. I believe I can be of service and provide value. So like, when I go into a situation now, a meeting, a conversation, whatever the grocery store, I'm, I'm serious. Like if I, if Katrina my wife, text me on the, after I leave here and I have to stop at Kroger, my intention will be to be present just in case I can make an impact on somebody. Mm-hmm. Progress not perfection. I'm not always great at that if I'm running late or I'm self-absorbed or any of that, like, that happens. Okay. Yeah. If I have too little sleep, like all those things happen, but I'm telling you like my belief will be like, and maybe it's just a, an understanding smile at a mom who's got a kid with a temper tan. Yeah. You know? Yeah. That's what fills my cup. I just love, I love that. That's the kind of human being I want to be. Mm-hmm. When you look out into your future, whatever horizon that is, is there a, is there something that you're working towards becoming? Yeah. You know, it's, here's the way I view that. There are, I have certain I do have certain finite goals, right? They're not the end all, be all for me. So, and to answer your question, like I do have exercise goals. I do have healthy eating goals. I, I do have these things that are really like, intentional for me that I, I really enjoy. Like, however long term, like for my life, I, I. The belief that it, I just have the belief that beautiful things are going to continue to happen. Mm-hmm. And I can't wait to experience them. And will there be adversity? Will there be tragedy? Will, yeah. Yes. That's, that's life, right? It, there will be will I have moments of doubt? Heck yeah. Will I have fear? Absolutely. All of, oh my gosh. Absolutely. All of those things. But I also know that being sober, letting go of control and being present, like there's no way I could be better prepared to handle anything than that. So why worry it there's no way I could be in a better position to handle whatever, and I also know that life ebbs and flows. Yeah. Some days we're feeling it, some days we're not. I saw a great meme or whatever that was like, here's what consi, like people think consistency looks like bringing the same amount of energy every day. Uhhuh. But it's not, it's showing up when you're here, it's showing up when you're here, it's showing up when you're here. That's consistency. So that's how I view it, is um, I love that. Yeah. Yeah. It's awesome. I, that stuck with me and I'm like, you're absolutely right. Like, thank you that, that speaks to me. I, I wanna see where life goes and I'm excited to find out. Yeah. And just the openness of it. Yeah. For connection for, mm-hmm. Yeah. I don't know. Nice. What advice do you have for someone who might be holding themselves back from just being who they are what advice? Yeah. Talk to somebody. Say it out loud. Say out loud how you're feeling, even if it's just to yourself, say out loud how you're feeling. Make it real. Get it out of your own head. Mm-hmm. Share it with someone if you can. Reach out for help. You are, you are worthy and capable of so many beautiful things. There is always, always hope. And I say that from a deep rooted place of understanding. I say that from having experienced the darkest of deaths. Just let someone know how you're feeling and start there. I have a mentor we'll say, that, that told me when I was at my lowest of lows and what he said to me in that moment is, we're gonna do the next right thing. What's the next right thing? Right now? Right now. And then after we do that, we're gonna do the next right thing after that. So in this world of overwhelm, right? Of, I don't know the answers, I don't know the outcomes. Nobody does. Nobody does. If you think you're surrounded by people that have life figured out, they don't. Mm-hmm. They don't. Mm-hmm. They've decided to put one foot in. Front of the other. So do the next Right thing. Love it. Could you do a little freestyle? Oh gosh. Yeah. You want a little something? Okay. Could if there's a way to connect it into this topic, that would be great, but no pressure there. Okay. Okay. Uh, and while you're thinking Yeah, Brad on LinkedIn has Freestyle Fridays where he shares. His wraps with with the world and as he mentioned, every day he's posting about his journey. I'll put the link to broad LinkedIn. Yes, please connect with me. I love it. DM me. I would love it. Okay. We ready? Yeah. Alright. The haze from the stage has got me in a rage. So crank up the Seeger. Watch me start to turn the page. Youth bound to shoot have got me in a daze. Living for the moment, having kids, they can't raise. I give praise to anyone who has love for rap, but y'all lost your minds, like your brain's in your lap. Acting all tough, getting on beats to shout when you couldn't. Name three tracks on reasonable doubt.'cause all I need in this life of sin is me and my ink pen. I spit these lines to try and sustain you. 16 hundreds on lock.'cause I'm on Pennsylvania smoking presidential. I ain't talking about the weed'cause of me on the mic. The country's under siege. Wind through the trees. I'm a cool summer of breeze but you can't have it all. I give a taste just to ts ain't no G in me. It's just a B in me. I get the feeling in the whole world. Don't believe in me but it's me. You see kohan feeding me. You wasn't there when I needed. We ain't family. If I were to die tonight, I don't need to go to heaven. Just spreading my ashes in the 3 1 7. This cold world got me thinking evil plots. Y'all must have fouled out'cause I'm taking free shots. No more time to do the correcting. Forever 27'cause I'm about to ride with legends. You don't even know me. Throw me in the same pack two tats, can't relax. Two fish instead of gas. Spit gas and matches. My voice done been scratching like nails on the board when you had scalp patches. It's black magic way. The words are popping out. I've been graduated while they steady dropping out. Mic drop. There we go. That is awesome. All right. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here. I wanna do that. Thank you. And sharing your story and helping me and all the others. So thank you. I, I, it's an honor. I appreciate you. Thank you. Awesome.

Leslie: 49:05

Now, I'm not a therapist, but one thing that Brad talked about feels really important to name. Sometimes our social norms are shaped by the people that we surround ourselves with. Brad talked about during his drinking years. If you weren't a drinker, you probably wouldn't have been friends with Brad. When we choose to go against that social norm and we choose a different beat for Brad, it was giving up alcohol. It can also mean losing some relationships in our lives. Yet when something is lost, much can be gained. And for Brad, he gained clarity. He gained alignment, connection, purpose, meaning he gained his life, his rhythm and his beat. Brad's story reminds us that living our drumbeat isn't always about adding something new. Sometimes it's about letting go of what no longer fits. Brad, thank you for being on Purpose Project, and thanks to all of you for tuning in. Purpose Project is brought to you for education and for entertainment purposes. This podcast is not intended to replace the advice that you would receive from a licensed therapist or doctor or any other qualified professional.